How do you start over when you have been deleted from someone’s life that you have been married to for seventeen years?

She wants no delays in the divorce. Full steam ahead.

I will be divorced maybe before Thanksgiving and for sure before Christmas.

Now she only communicates with me through cold business like emails with no feeling because I make her feel uncomfortable on the phone or face to face. In the emails she addresses me as “Cecil” not as “Cec” since she had from day one of our relationship. She has a new cell phone number. Everyone else has it. I don’t.

I am past the torment. I am past the grief. I am past the denial.

I am just the past now.

I have been deleted.

Each day by God’s grace alone I am stronger. My appetite is coming back. I am sleeping well and I have peace. Peace. Real peace that only comes from God.

I’ve started to wrap my head around the tempest I am in and God’s plan is revealing itself through my prayers and through other people. Last week I put an application in on an apartment and should know something in a day or so. If I get it, the squeeze financially will be really tight. Some family members have offered to help me financially.

Looking back on the past month and a half and seeing how fast, how far and how hard I have fallen I see God’s unseen hand everywhere. It is amazing.

So, I have to start my life over at forty-four years old.

In addition to the things I have in my possession I listed in Part 1 of this saga to start housekeeping with I have my fishing pole and tackle, coffee maker, three more shirts, two pairs of jeans, a few pairs of shoes, a small microwave, crock pot, frying pan, a pot, eating utensils, two light weight jackets, a bed that my boss gave me because I couldn’t bear to sleep in any bed she and I shared, a radio, iron, assorted socks and underwear and a tower fan. That’s it.

There are very few things I want from my old life.

I am going to rebuild from ground zero.

Everyone is telling me, “Cec, half the stuff in that house is yours. Go get it.” Easier said than done. Let me explain.

I was hurt beyond all description at the finality, absoluteness, speed and coldness of the ending of my marriage. I was unplugged and my lights went out. That fast. Why would I want half of the things from a relationship with an ending like that? I am moving on and don’t need the emotional baggage of daily reminders of relationship train wreck.

There are three major things I want from my old life: a 42″ plasma TV and stand, my grill and one of the chocolate labs Dolly Lou. That’s it.

I don’t want the rest of my clothes, personal effects, mementos, photos or keepsakes.

I’m flying light.

I’d rather accept help and receive things from people who I know truly love me and have my best interests at heart than to take things from a house because it is simply owed to me. Not gonna do it. I’ve got my big boy britches on.

My wife’s sister gave me a couple of blankets and a set of sheets. Her brother who lives in town has offered me dishes and pillows. The LORD is providing.

Despite the way I’ve been treated I harbor no bitterness, anger or hate towards her. I just don’t understand.  She is doing what she feels she needs to do and has moved on.

I am moving on also.

To the new life God has for me with my head held high and not looking back.

You either make dust, or you eat it.

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