Written October 17, 2009

Today is Saturday. Oh how I dread the weekends.

A crazy thing is happening in this painful season of my life. With all of the pruning, I feel new buds forming to bring forth the new Cec.

I am changing right before my eyes. I’ve started to change my wardrobe to reflect the new inner me. I went to Goodwill today and got four really nice shirts and a sweater for sixteen dollars. What a total score.  The style of the clothing I bought I was never interested in wearing before. And sweaters? I never wore sweaters. I also went to the mall and walked around and found a new pair of racy tennis shoes. Then I had my first public meal by myself in seventeen years. How strange it was. I bowed my head and asked the LORD’s blessing on my meal and thanked him for His goodness. As I ate my meal alone, I realized I wasn’t by myself. He was there with me.

My wife’s family has been wonderful to me. So supportive and prayerful. The problem I am having is limited basic compassionate human contact. I feel like I am in an isolation tank. I need to be around people that will spiritually mentor me, let me grieve and just listen. I have to stabilize spiritually and emotionally. I need to get out of this barn. I am so thankful to my employer for sheltering me, but I need people. If this goes forward and the house goes on the market there is no telling how long it will take to sell. We may even be upside down on the mortgage.  With my wife and I splitting the expenses of the house until it sells I do not have enough income to rent a place and live. I am searching for a part-time job to help me get over the financial hump.

Just got back from running to the ATM so I can tithe at church tomorrow and a trip through Taco Bell. While in the drive thru I felt overwhelmed. How my life has changed. What was next for me? Back at the barn, mid way through a taco I felt what felt like at total meltdown coming on. I want out of the barn. I feel abandoned. Most of the people I need seem to be bailing on me. I can’t blame them. They have lives to live. I don’t have an earthy wing man to help me through this.

Then I realized a spirit of fear does not come from the LORD.

His strong, confident presence came down on me like a curtain. He said, “I’ve got you. I am in control. Look around you. You have everything you need.” I have no fear now. I am completely in the LORD’s strength now. WOW. What a feeling. I can’t describe it. I am shaken at how He has come upon me. How amazing.

I am so much looking forward to being in the LORD’s house tomorrow. I will be all ears.

He has quieted His child. The storm is still raging.

I don’t know how or when this is going to end, but when it is over one thing I am certain of. I am going to walk into a blessing that will flat blow my mind.

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