Written October 16, 2009

The stress, grief and thoughts of the unknown combined with a diet of cigarettes, coffee, antacids and dining from fast food value menus is taking a toll on my body. I am tired and have no energy. I hurt all over. I feel like crap.

LORD, I need to see you. I know you are there, but I really need to see you. Please.

I cannot accept the fact I may be a forty four year old divorced man by Thanksgiving or Christmas.

Doing what I know to do: Seeking God. Looking for God. Listening to what God is telling me through other Godly people whose counsel I trust. Reading my bible. Praying. Praying. Praying. Listening.

Silence from above.

I don’t know what else to do. I’m being still. Waiting. Just like the Book says. I’m penned up. I have nowhere to go.

Passing of time is very difficult for me.

One of the things I grabbed when I exited my life was the August issue of Stand Firm magazine published by LifeWay. On the cover is a picture of the hands of a man and wife clasped together. Wedding rings shining. The title of the issue is “One+One+One=1.” The little book has given me so much revelation I cannot put it into words. I’ve read it through twice.

One of the things I do to pass the time is kill flies. Lots of flies. Hey, I’m living in a barn, okay? Usually when I get to the apartment in the evenings, the door has been left open all day due to the fact it houses the only bathroom in the barn and the farm hands, well, they need the facilities.  To combat the flies the first thing I picked up to swat them with was the little LifeWay book. Every time I kill a fly I see the cover “One+One+One=1″. I must have killed over a hundred flies with it so far. I see the LORD teaching me a lesson. I get it LORD. I get it.

I am getting so many comments from friends via Twitter, Facebook, email and text like, “You are doing great Cec”, “What a great witness for Christ you are Cec”, and “What a great man of God you are Cec.” I am none of these things. I am not great. He who is in me is great. By the grace and mercy of God he stands me up every morning and leads me through each day.

I had a good dinner this evening. I actually cooked a rib eye steak on the stove and with it had leftover salad and a baked potato from Wendy’s.  I sat down in the camping chair I brought with me from my old life and with the meal in my lap I thanked the Father for my daily provision. I thanked Him for sustaining me. I thanked him for meeting my needs and giving me just enough. I asked Him to show me the way through this. I inhaled the steak which is the first real food I have had in over a month. It was so good. But during the meal I got sad. I was the chef in my old life. A darn good one too. I love to cook for others. There will be no more Cec’s baby back ribs. No more low country seafood boils at Christmas. No more melt in your mouth grilled rib eyes. No more spaghetti and meatballs. It all seems like a disappearing mist now.

Father lead me to the path of peace. Point the way and I will follow.

The Potter’s wheel is still spinning.

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