The Walk Through God’s Green Fields

I have stopped falling out of life. I have landed. What I have landed in I don’t know. All I see is a dust cloud from the impact. I guess I am in the adjustment phase of this mess now. Still walking. Still talking. The Potter’s wheel is still spinning.

It is hard facing each day being forgotten. Thrown aside. Torn. Rejected. Unloved.

It is hard facing each day being brave and acting like you aren’t’ hurting. Two of my friends told me, “Fake it until you make it.” I’m trying.

It is hard facing each day with no purpose. No direction. No destination.

It is hard facing each day not knowing when you are going to crash back into emotions you thought you had buried.

It is hard facing each day alone and in silence.

It is hard facing each day telling people what they want to hear. “I’m fine.” “Doing great.” If I don’t most times I am berated with, “You have to get over it Cec. You are letting her win.” I don’t need that crap. I play the role.  I will get over things when it is my time to do so.

It is hard facing each day not seeing or hearing God.

It is hard facing each day no longer a Godslinger. The Godslinger is down. Full of holes from flaming arrows.

It is hard facing each day so Spiritually weak the only prayer you can muster is, “LORD, I know you are taking care of me. Thank you. I know I’m failing you on all levels. Please help me.” Some days I wonder if it would be easier to lay down and stay there.

It is hard facing each day when part of you would rather buy a bus ticket and disappear.

It is hard facing each day autopsying a seventeen year marriage trying to find where it went wrong.

It is hard facing each day knowing you are going to eat alone and question if it is even worth it.

It is hard facing each day not wanting to do anything or be anywhere when it is a challenge just to “be.”

It is hard facing each day knowing you are forever changed. For the good or bad.

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It has been very therapeutic for me to write and publish what I went through in this life storm. But the ultimate healer is God. He has brought me through so many things it is amazing.

He sent people to shelter me. He sent people to feed me. He sent people to clothe me. He sent people to minister to me. He sent people to help heal me. He sent people to pray for me. He sent people to help me financially. He sent people to help rebuild my life from nothing. He sent people to share their own very personal and painful experiences with divorce. He reconnected me with long lost friends. He brought family members closer to me.

He is great and worthy of praise.

I feel God has me in the express lane getting me through this.

While in church the Sunday before Thanksgiving while listening to a sermon on, of course, being thankful I had a heart to heart with God. “Father, I’m sorry but I don’t feel very thankful right now. I am dreading Thanksgiving and Christmas.” Very quickly He replied loud and clear, “Would you rather have a little over a month to dread these or would you rather this happened at the first of the year so you would have many months to dread it?” Great point LORD. I’m on board. Thank you.

His single and very strong message to me through this has been, “I have a plan for you. A great plan. Wait. It is beyond your wildest imagination. You will see.”

So, I wait. I watch. I listen.

I have flat worn the book of Psalms out in this mess. How some of the passages speak to me. Here are some of my favorites…

In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search and be silent. Offer right sacrifices to the LORD. PS 4:4

I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone O LORD make me dwell in safety. PS 4:8

Blessed are they whose ways are blameless, who walk accordingly to the law of the LORD. PS 119:1

It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees. PS 119:71

How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth. PS 119:103

May my cry come before you, O LORD; give me understanding according to your word. PS 119:169

Here is the huge one, “He reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me from the deep waters. PS 18:16

This, He has done.

The greatest revelation I have had in my healing is I didn’t lose everything. She did. Based upon how I was treated it makes me seriously wonder if I was ever loved in seventeen years of marriage. Which is painful, but in a way comforting. I won’t have any guilt when the LORD, if it is His will and in His time, brings to me the one He took from my rib.

Cecil version 2.0 is walking and talking. In His name.

This is the final post in the Falling Out Of Life series.

I’m done with falling.

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Since the last time I wrote I have moved into a one bedroom apartment and have my chocolate lab Dolly with me.

God has sent so many people to comfort me and help me through this. I am receiving financial help for my rent by a family member because there are still lots of expenses to cover on the house until it sells. People have given me groceries and clothing. A very dear Facebook friend sent me  many things to furnish my apartment with.

I look around and God is pointing out to me that I will get through this. He has shown me a Facebook friend who went through a bad divorce then lost a twenty-year old son in a car accident. The stress and concern on my best friend’s face who’s young son had to undergo an emergency appendectomy. The man who yesterday had a tumor on his spine and to save his life part of his spine was removed. Now he is a paraplegic.

I know I will get through this and God has something great and wonderful waiting for me.

Thank you dear friends for your prayers, phone calls, emails, texts, Twitter and Facebook messages. They mean more than you will ever know.

Happy Thanksgiving.

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How do you start over when you have been deleted from someone’s life that you have been married to for seventeen years?

She wants no delays in the divorce. Full steam ahead.

I will be divorced maybe before Thanksgiving and for sure before Christmas.

Now she only communicates with me through cold business like emails with no feeling because I make her feel uncomfortable on the phone or face to face. In the emails she addresses me as “Cecil” not as “Cec” since she had from day one of our relationship. She has a new cell phone number. Everyone else has it. I don’t.

I am past the torment. I am past the grief. I am past the denial.

I am just the past now.

I have been deleted.

Each day by God’s grace alone I am stronger. My appetite is coming back. I am sleeping well and I have peace. Peace. Real peace that only comes from God.

I’ve started to wrap my head around the tempest I am in and God’s plan is revealing itself through my prayers and through other people. Last week I put an application in on an apartment and should know something in a day or so. If I get it, the squeeze financially will be really tight. Some family members have offered to help me financially.

Looking back on the past month and a half and seeing how fast, how far and how hard I have fallen I see God’s unseen hand everywhere. It is amazing.

So, I have to start my life over at forty-four years old.

In addition to the things I have in my possession I listed in Part 1 of this saga to start housekeeping with I have my fishing pole and tackle, coffee maker, three more shirts, two pairs of jeans, a few pairs of shoes, a small microwave, crock pot, frying pan, a pot, eating utensils, two light weight jackets, a bed that my boss gave me because I couldn’t bear to sleep in any bed she and I shared, a radio, iron, assorted socks and underwear and a tower fan. That’s it.

There are very few things I want from my old life.

I am going to rebuild from ground zero.

Everyone is telling me, “Cec, half the stuff in that house is yours. Go get it.” Easier said than done. Let me explain.

I was hurt beyond all description at the finality, absoluteness, speed and coldness of the ending of my marriage. I was unplugged and my lights went out. That fast. Why would I want half of the things from a relationship with an ending like that? I am moving on and don’t need the emotional baggage of daily reminders of relationship train wreck.

There are three major things I want from my old life: a 42″ plasma TV and stand, my grill and one of the chocolate labs Dolly Lou. That’s it.

I don’t want the rest of my clothes, personal effects, mementos, photos or keepsakes.

I’m flying light.

I’d rather accept help and receive things from people who I know truly love me and have my best interests at heart than to take things from a house because it is simply owed to me. Not gonna do it. I’ve got my big boy britches on.

My wife’s sister gave me a couple of blankets and a set of sheets. Her brother who lives in town has offered me dishes and pillows. The LORD is providing.

Despite the way I’ve been treated I harbor no bitterness, anger or hate towards her. I just don’t understand.  She is doing what she feels she needs to do and has moved on.

I am moving on also.

To the new life God has for me with my head held high and not looking back.

You either make dust, or you eat it.

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The other night I had a Spiritual “a ha” moment which changed my entire perspective.

In frustration and almost anger I cried out, “Father tell me what to pray!” Very fast He answered. “My will.” I realized for the past month I have been forcing what I want on God, never bothering once to let Him in on the outcome. My prayers were one hundred and eighty degrees from where they should be. I prayed, “Father I want your will to be done in this. Not mine.” Peace began to come upon and I knew I was on target. The first real peace I have had since this nightmare began. So over and over I prayed, “Father I want your will to be done in this. Not mine.” Once again, the teacher gets taught from the Master.

While chatting in Facebook with a very Spirit filled high school friend about my situation she advised me “you need to ask God what you should refocus on. You need to take your focus from her and ask God what he wants you to focus on.” Very logical. I never thought of that. She asked if she could have my phone number so she could give me a call later that night.

After our chat session I asked God what I should refocus on. Once again, very fast He said, “Me.” All throughout this ordeal He has been silent, but now that my perspective has changed He is quite the chatterbox. I get it now Father. It is your show. I am so sorry I was pushing my will upon you.

My friend called me and I asked her for wisdom. She said, “You need to drop it Cecil. If you don’t drop it God can’t pick it up. Drop it now. You have to stop controlling the situation. That includes worrying about it.” My jaw went slack. God’s wisdom is so very simple.

I need to start focusing on what God has and wants for me.

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Written October 20, 2009

I called my pastor JD yesterday and told him I desperately needed a wing man. I need a Godly man to help me through this. Who will stand with me. Pray with me. Let me cry. Let me grieve. I told him I understood if he couldn’t help because he has six kids. Trust me, the man is busy. But I insisted I need help. I need to get plugged into someone. He said he would be my wingman and invited me on a hike in the woods later today. I am really looking forward to spending time with a dear Brother. My ears and heart will be open to what the LORD says to me through him.

Since I have been penned up in this barn, the LORD has given me over a hundred revelations about what a marriage means to Him.

Help me LORD to find peace in this journey.

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Written October 17, 2009

Today is Saturday. Oh how I dread the weekends.

A crazy thing is happening in this painful season of my life. With all of the pruning, I feel new buds forming to bring forth the new Cec.

I am changing right before my eyes. I’ve started to change my wardrobe to reflect the new inner me. I went to Goodwill today and got four really nice shirts and a sweater for sixteen dollars. What a total score.  The style of the clothing I bought I was never interested in wearing before. And sweaters? I never wore sweaters. I also went to the mall and walked around and found a new pair of racy tennis shoes. Then I had my first public meal by myself in seventeen years. How strange it was. I bowed my head and asked the LORD’s blessing on my meal and thanked him for His goodness. As I ate my meal alone, I realized I wasn’t by myself. He was there with me.

My wife’s family has been wonderful to me. So supportive and prayerful. The problem I am having is limited basic compassionate human contact. I feel like I am in an isolation tank. I need to be around people that will spiritually mentor me, let me grieve and just listen. I have to stabilize spiritually and emotionally. I need to get out of this barn. I am so thankful to my employer for sheltering me, but I need people. If this goes forward and the house goes on the market there is no telling how long it will take to sell. We may even be upside down on the mortgage.  With my wife and I splitting the expenses of the house until it sells I do not have enough income to rent a place and live. I am searching for a part-time job to help me get over the financial hump.

Just got back from running to the ATM so I can tithe at church tomorrow and a trip through Taco Bell. While in the drive thru I felt overwhelmed. How my life has changed. What was next for me? Back at the barn, mid way through a taco I felt what felt like at total meltdown coming on. I want out of the barn. I feel abandoned. Most of the people I need seem to be bailing on me. I can’t blame them. They have lives to live. I don’t have an earthy wing man to help me through this.

Then I realized a spirit of fear does not come from the LORD.

His strong, confident presence came down on me like a curtain. He said, “I’ve got you. I am in control. Look around you. You have everything you need.” I have no fear now. I am completely in the LORD’s strength now. WOW. What a feeling. I can’t describe it. I am shaken at how He has come upon me. How amazing.

I am so much looking forward to being in the LORD’s house tomorrow. I will be all ears.

He has quieted His child. The storm is still raging.

I don’t know how or when this is going to end, but when it is over one thing I am certain of. I am going to walk into a blessing that will flat blow my mind.

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Written October 16, 2009

The stress, grief and thoughts of the unknown combined with a diet of cigarettes, coffee, antacids and dining from fast food value menus is taking a toll on my body. I am tired and have no energy. I hurt all over. I feel like crap.

LORD, I need to see you. I know you are there, but I really need to see you. Please.

I cannot accept the fact I may be a forty four year old divorced man by Thanksgiving or Christmas.

Doing what I know to do: Seeking God. Looking for God. Listening to what God is telling me through other Godly people whose counsel I trust. Reading my bible. Praying. Praying. Praying. Listening.

Silence from above.

I don’t know what else to do. I’m being still. Waiting. Just like the Book says. I’m penned up. I have nowhere to go.

Passing of time is very difficult for me.

One of the things I grabbed when I exited my life was the August issue of Stand Firm magazine published by LifeWay. On the cover is a picture of the hands of a man and wife clasped together. Wedding rings shining. The title of the issue is “One+One+One=1.” The little book has given me so much revelation I cannot put it into words. I’ve read it through twice.

One of the things I do to pass the time is kill flies. Lots of flies. Hey, I’m living in a barn, okay? Usually when I get to the apartment in the evenings, the door has been left open all day due to the fact it houses the only bathroom in the barn and the farm hands, well, they need the facilities.  To combat the flies the first thing I picked up to swat them with was the little LifeWay book. Every time I kill a fly I see the cover “One+One+One=1″. I must have killed over a hundred flies with it so far. I see the LORD teaching me a lesson. I get it LORD. I get it.

I am getting so many comments from friends via Twitter, Facebook, email and text like, “You are doing great Cec”, “What a great witness for Christ you are Cec”, and “What a great man of God you are Cec.” I am none of these things. I am not great. He who is in me is great. By the grace and mercy of God he stands me up every morning and leads me through each day.

I had a good dinner this evening. I actually cooked a rib eye steak on the stove and with it had leftover salad and a baked potato from Wendy’s.  I sat down in the camping chair I brought with me from my old life and with the meal in my lap I thanked the Father for my daily provision. I thanked Him for sustaining me. I thanked him for meeting my needs and giving me just enough. I asked Him to show me the way through this. I inhaled the steak which is the first real food I have had in over a month. It was so good. But during the meal I got sad. I was the chef in my old life. A darn good one too. I love to cook for others. There will be no more Cec’s baby back ribs. No more low country seafood boils at Christmas. No more melt in your mouth grilled rib eyes. No more spaghetti and meatballs. It all seems like a disappearing mist now.

Father lead me to the path of peace. Point the way and I will follow.

The Potter’s wheel is still spinning.

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Written October 15, 2009

I have had a good couple of days riding a huge wave of anger like a pro surfer. Very therapeutic. If I could just stay angry all of the time this would be so much easier.

My wife was served her portion of the divorce petition at my attorney’s office yesterday. She has twenty days to respond. If she is set on divorce it will be on my timeline not hers. I can’t let this linger through the holidays and the first of the year just so we make out better with Uncle Sam.  I don’t care.

My friends tell me they are seeing me go through the classic stages of grief like a textbook. I don’t know where I am at in the stages or how many more I must go through. The LORD has been faithful in my distress. He gives me shelter, comfort, food and Godly friends to minister to me. Out of my shattered life, the LORD is going to rebuild me like the Bionic Man. A better man to serve Him. A man to respond faster to need. A stronger man with his feet anchored in the Rock.

Every day He gives me the exact portion of Him I need to sustain me. Just like manna. Every day He ministers to me. He gives me just enough to make it through the day without falling apart. How He manages me I don’t have a clue. I am in entirely His hands.

Since this began, I feel God has had me by the ankles upside down shaking everything out of me so I can be refilled with what He wants. I truly understand “you are the potter, I am the clay.” At present I am a lump with no form, but I feel His hands on me creating me anew while my world, the Potter’s wheel spins and spins.

My emotions seem to be stabilizing. There were times when I was so stricken with grief and unbelief I could not function. I found myself one day wandering through a local farm store saying to myself, “I used to have a life. Where did it go?” Then I went to a store my wife shops at frequently. I went there just to walk in the aisles where she walked. See the things she saw. Maybe touch the things she has touched. It was such a horrible, grievous day I never want to relive. That night, I was such a bad state; while lying on the floor with grief, crying until my face was raw I thanked the Father for this trial because it was making me a better man for her. Very quick the LORD corrected me. He said, “You are not understanding what I am teaching you. I am not making you a better man for her; I am making you a better man for me.” At that moment I stopped crying and the fog in my mind left and I saw sunshine. I realized the LORD was making me a better man for the plan He has for me. For His good purpose. He is so wise and I am so stupid. That’s why He is God and I am His child. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Today I am stronger, though not knowing what the cliffhanger ending to this is going to be. Either way, I will have a new beginning. For this I am thankful to the LORD.

While on Facebook earlier I was chatting with a high school friend in West Virginia who I reconnected with a couple of months ago. I was telling Him about my plight and the LORD gave him the exact words I needed to see to get me through the rest of the day. He was so encouraging. He had been through a really bad divorce too. Then at one point in the chat session I saw these words from him, “one thing I would appreciate of you…when I die I want you to preach my funeral Cec.” I was shocked beyond belief. The LORD shows up when you least expect Him. I told him I was honored and I would. I let him know I wasn’t a Pastor. Just a lay person. He didn’t seem to care. We ended our chat session with my telling him since I was preaching his funeral one day, when this storm around me blows out I will make a trip to West Virginia so we could get caught up on life. So, at some point in the future, I have a funeral to preach. I’m in the middle of the deepest crisis of my life and He books a funeral for me. God is a wild man.

Dear friends, I am so sorry these words seem to ramble. I am writing as it comes to me. Please forgive me. I’m not losing my mind. I’m finding it. The old Cec is dead. The new one, God is rising up.

The Potter’s wheel spins and spins.

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Written October 13, 2009

I see my reflection in the laptop screen. I am not the same man I arrived here as. My face is thinner. My eyes are different. My entire makeup as a person is different. Before I was a man that had a huge comfort zone insulating and isolating me. The new man has no comfort zone. He is out in the wild with God.  A man who is more alive than he has ever been for better or worse.

I initiated the divorce proceedings because my wife didn’t want to file until after the first of the year for tax purposes. I could not have this hanging over my head during the holidays like an executioner’s ax.  I have a new life to begin. She has already begun hers.

I will never paint her as a villain.  She tells me she doesn’t love me anymore and I can’t make her love me.

God is good. He is my strength and my fortress.

I went to the Post Office and rented a PO Box so I have an address. Strange, after seventeen years of marriage all I am now known only as “Box Holder, PO Box 836 Madisonville Kentucky 42431.”

A couple of weeks ago I lost my mind for a spell and got a tattoo on my right bicep. I completely understand why people get tattoos to mark significant events in their life. I wanted to mark an emotional earthquake in mine.  Not to signify her or what she means to me but an event that brought me to my knees and closer to God. I never want to forget. My tattoo is a cross made of three roman spikes.  And I must say, it’s pretty bada##. I told the artist what I wanted and he came up with a great design. When I got in the chair he asked me why I was getting it and I told him the whole story start to finish. He said, “I’m so sorry. That’s really, really sad. At least you aren’t doing something stupid like getting her name tattooed on you.” If I can talk to someone about Jesus using my tattoo, glory be to God.

One thing I have learned and take heed…if you don’t go to the mountain to really spill your guts you may get dragged there over the rocks. It ain’t a pleasant experience.

I have stopped worshiping at my home church. Too painful. I have been attending my friend Eric’s church. An interdenominational group of believers. The first Sunday I attended I cried the entire time. When the altar team assembled for people needing prayer I almost ran there and found myself in front of a Messianic Jew. I told him I needed prayer for a healed marriage. He grabbed my head and said the most beautiful, powerful prayer I had ever heard. Then I felt Eric’s hand on my back. He was there with me. What a wonderful friend. In fact, recalling it now is making me cry. At the end of the prayer the Messianic Jew uttered in ancient tongues. It caused no fear or confusion in this deep fried Southern Baptist child. It brought only peace. Bring it on God.

A few days ago my pastor JD called to check on me. He asked what I was doing and I said, “To be honest JD, I’m pacing the floor wondering what the hell happened.” He chuckled and replied, “You are exactly right. Hell happened.” Can we have an Amen?

But something great and miraculous is happening to me. God is in the process of making me into a brand new man. I don’t even know who the guy was who left his home in the woods. I am so far out of my comfort zone and so far from ok I don’t know what they look or smell like anymore.

I am in a fire. I can’t jump out of it. I can’t go around it. I have to go through it. And that I am, by the grace of God, to the other side and out to the lushest, greenest pasture I could ever imagine.

God and I have begun work on Cecil version 2.0.

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