The Walk Through God’s Green Fields

In mid January I received a call from a very Godly woman whose husband is a Deacon at a great church about a half hour’s drive away. She cut right to the chase, “Cecil, God has put a burden on me about you and He is not going to leave me alone until I tell you.” My ears immediately perked up. Judy and her husband Dirk are heavy lifters when it comes to matters of the Spirit. If she says God put the word to her about me I am ALL ears. She continued, “There is a woman at my church you should meet. Her name is Sherry. She loves the LORD. We are having a fifth Friday sing on January 29^th. You could come to the sing and meet her then. Maybe take her out for coffee afterwards.” I didn’t hesitate and told her I would love to. “Whew! The burden has been lifted. I can sleep now!” she replied.

After our conversation I remembered the prayer I had started praying at the beginning of December, “Father if it is your will send me the woman you took from my rib in your time and in your way. You will know when I am ready. I don’t want to play hide and seek to find her. Make her obvious to me in a way only you can.” I asked Him to please go before me to prepare Sherry for our meeting.

The following week I received a card in the mail from a great Saint of a lady who is a member of my home church Second Baptist of Madisonville Kentucky. I hadn’t worshipped there since I fell out of life in September. I couldn’t bear to go back there. Too many painful memories, even though my ex-wife had stopped attending there.  I looked at my address that had been written on the envelope.  It wasn’t remotely accurate but yet it had made it to me safe and sound.  No reroutes.  No returns.  I recalled I hadn’t filled out any change of address forms anywhere.  Goosebumps welled up on my flesh.  I sat down with the envelope in my hand and thanked the Father for touching this dear Sister to reach out to me. Opening the envelope I found a card touching on the storms of life and anchoring oneself in the Rock to keep from being blown away with the verse, “The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliver; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge…”Psalm 18:2 NIV. In the card was a folded piece of yellow paper with her words, “The LORD has put you in my mind these last few days. I’ve missed you and our little fellowship. It is time for you to come home Mr. Cecil to your home church. Don’t let what happened in life stop you.” I had what I had been praying and hoping for. Orders from God that were personally signed by one of His lieutenants. My jaw dropped. I was going home. Not as a victim of my trial but as a victor over it.

The fifth Friday sing at Judy’s church was a week away and the back story of her burden for me began to unfold. It seems a few weeks before she called me the thought of introducing her friend and I popped into her head randomly and from nowhere but she dismissed it. It came back. Again and again. It started keeping her awake at night. She prayed. Talked with her husband Dirk and prayed more. Talked to her Pastor and prayed more. Finally she talked to her friends and mine Steve and Deb to get their blessing. Many of you who have been reading this blog from the beginning know Steve and Deb very well. They both told Judy by all means make the introduction. Who were they to stand in the way of God. They think it is a wonderful idea. She had their blessing.

In the meantime I was fishing for any and all information on Sherry from Judy and Steve as well because he had met her. Their descriptions of her came back very similar. “She loves the LORD.” “She loves to talk about the Bible.” “Her Joy is infectious.” “Great girl.” I thought it was great they were focusing on her Spiritual side but in the flesh I found it strange there were no comments on her appearance so I pushed the issue. Judy said she was “tall and slender, very attractive.” Judy nor Steve were in agreement on her age, but they thought she was a little older than me. Finally I manned up and asked Steve, “Is she a hottie?” He snickered. “She is beautiful Cec.” Far out. Since I had her last name and her cell and home phone numbers I Goggled her hoping to find a picture of her. Nothing. No Facebook. No Myspace. No Linkedin. Not even a single Tweet. For some reason I knew the LORD was keeping information from me.

I was counting the days down to the sing. I was very excited to meet this Godly woman named Sherry. But there was a hitch. A major snow was forecast starting the day of the sing and the event would more than likely be cancelled. I sent Judy a text to let her know if the sing was cancelled I planned to call Sherry that evening to talk and maybe plan a meeting in the future. Judy texted me back, “She is very anxious to hear from you.” I thought, “way to go LORD.”

The snow came as forecast and the sing was cancelled early in the day. I sent Judy another text asking if Sherry texted. She replied back she didn’t think so but she highly encouraged me to call Sherry. In fact she knew she was home at that very moment and would love to hear from me. I was reluctant to call her out of the blue. Well, gun shy is a better way of describing it considering what I had been through. So I decided to flip her a text on the outside chance she could receive it.  Flying on my iPhone I wrote, “Hi Sherry. I’m Cecil Chaney. Judy is our mutual friend. I plan on calling you this evening at six. Judy said you didn’t text but I sent this as an icebreaker in case you do.” I hit the send button. About an hour later my iPhone lit up with an incoming call. It was Sherry. How did I know this? I saved her as a contact. But when? There were people in my office so I didn’t take her call. My voicemail chimed. Sweet. I didn’t listen to it then but decided to wait until I was at my apartment since it was close to my quitting time.

Back at the apartment I fed Dolly as fast as I could then sat down to listen to Sherry’s voicemail. I turned on my phone’s speaker and hit play on her message. I was going to hear her voice for the first time. “Hi Cecil. This is Sherry. (Giggle) I received your text message. It took me about a half an hour to figure out how to open it, (Giggle) but I did. Judy was correct in saying I do not text. (Giggle) Consider the ice broken. (Giggle) Talk to you soon.” Her voice was angelic. I played the message six times.

I watched time tick by until six o’clock then knelt in the floor and prayed, “Father, I don’t know what you are up to but my eyes and ears are open. Please send your Spirit to dwell between Sherry and I during this conversation. I want us to know each other through Your eyes. May she see who I am in You and may I see who she is in You.”

I called Sherry and what followed was the most wonderful conversation I have ever had with another human being in my life. It lasted three and a half hours. Ninety percent of our conversation was all about our walks with God. I had never, ever, ever shared so deeply of things of the Spirit. In fact, I didn’t know I was capable of it. But I did and it was glorious. We discovered we were on the same exact page Spiritually. Chapter and verse. Step by step. No gray areas. We were both seekers. Hungry for God. A perfect fit. I didn’t know it was possible but I was talking to my Spiritual match. She studies the Old Testament prophesies of Jesus and I hang out in the Gospels and with Paul. I told her about my experiences with God the wild man. My mission trip to Alaska. The ministry of this blog. I also shared the card and letter from the lady at my home church. Sherry completely understood the significance and joined me in Praise. I want to say again for emphasis, she joined me in Praise.  What a beautiful thing. I felt like we had known each other for years.

We shared very little personal information. I really felt we both thought it just wasn’t necessary considering how we had met in the Spirit and were in agreement. Before we ended our conversation I asked if I could call her the next day. She said yes.

That night I only slept about three hours. I felt the Holy Spirit had plugged me into a 220 volt electrical line. It was thrilling. It was peaceful. It was unimaginable. Was I scared? Not in the least. Should I have been? By the standards of the world, YES!!! By God’s standards? No. My God doesn’t do business that way. I prayed, “Father, I feel like have known this woman for years. What are you doing?” He replied loud and clear, “Restoring you.”

The next day I called her. “I really want to meet you Sherry.” I told her. She replied, “I want to meet you too.”  I continued, “Where would you like to meet? I want to do whatever you are most comfortable with. If you want to meet somewhere for coffee that is fine. Or I could come to your house and maybe after we have visited for a while go out to dinner. What are you most comfortable with?” Without hesitation she told me she was at complete ease with my coming to her house and then going to dinner. The restaurant I suggested turned out to be both our favorite. I decided it was time to divulge some personal information in case there were any deal breakers lurking. Babbling I said, “I’m 44 years old. I shave my head. I have brown eyes. I am six feet tall. 170 pounds. Thirty-two inch waist. Thirty-four inch inseam. I have no diseases. In general good health. No criminal record. I don’t do drugs. I don’t drink. No bankruptcies. Great credit score. I have my own job and my own stuff. I have a car too.” Sherry giggled. “I’m a few years older than you but we aren’t going there now. I’m about five feet, eight inches tall and weigh about one hundred and forty pounds. The rest you will just have to find out when you get here.” We agreed on a time and she gave me directions to her home and we hung up. A few minutes later Sherry called me back. She said, “I just want to clarify something. Muscle weighs more than fat. (Giggle)” I had a grin so large my face hurt.

On my way to Sherry’s home I called her to confirm the driving directions. In passing I asked her, “You live on Lake Wood drive. Is that on a lake?” She said, “Yes. I live on Lake Beshear. My property borders Pennyrile State Forest. It is very peaceful.” I felt like I had been zapped with a cattle prod. For the past year I have had a fantasy prayer of one day if He found me worthy I could write for Him from a house on  a lake. “Father, what are you up to???” I think I heard Him chuckle.

During the forty minute drive I reconciled myself to the fact that I knew with everything in me the meeting I was about to have would change my life. It was so peaceful. We hadn’t discussed our occupations or economic status. I didn’t care if she was rich or poor. If she lived in a shoe, a camper, a box or a mansion.  It didn’t matter what she looked like. Short or tall. Four feet tall, four feet wide and four feet thick. God had worked it out.

Pulling off of the main road and onto the road to her home I felt like I had been there before, but knew I hadn’t. I pulled into her drive. Her home was beautiful and backed up to Lake Beshear. Looking at the lake I felt as if I had seen it before but knew I hadn’t. It was chilling. “Father, if this is a joke it isn’t funny.” But I knew better. I turned off the car and said, “Ok Father. Show me what is behind door number one.”

I walked on the porch and standing in the door was a woman. Not a girl. But a woman who was confident, sure of herself and knew exactly who she was in Christ. My exact Spiritual counterpart.

And she was smoking hot.

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Throughout the trial I suffered even though I was fogged with pain, somehow I managed to remain in the promises Jesus preached in his first public sermon. The Beatitudes.  Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted…Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they will be filled…Blessed are the merciful for they will be shown mercy…Blessed are the peacemakers for they will be called the sons of God.

There were days so dark and painful they defy words, but I kept walking. Through the wind, the rain, the hail and the darkness. As I have written before, we have a walk with God. We aren’t carpooling, sharing a taxi or passing one another in the cereal aisle at a big box retailer. We walk. It is a slow process. There are rocks, valleys, mountains and slippery slopes to explore but we have a Shepherd who knows the way. Every step whether painful or joyful.

From day one, I knew with everything inside of me as deep as my sorrow was I would be restored into joy just as high.  Without a shadow of a doubt I knew I was going to walk into a blessing that would blow my mind. That is how God works with His children.

For the past few months I have anchored myself in these two prayers: If the Father wants me to stay in Madisonville Kentucky He needs to show me why without a shadow of a doubt. I didn’t want to play hide and seek to find out. He had to hit me over the head with it. And, if in His plan I am not to be single send me the woman He took from my rib.

The reason for staying in Madisonville and my blessing have come upon me.

My mind is officially blown.

God is a wild man.

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It has been very therapeutic for me to write and publish what I went through in this life storm. But the ultimate healer is God. He has brought me through so many things it is amazing.

He sent people to shelter me. He sent people to feed me. He sent people to clothe me. He sent people to minister to me. He sent people to help heal me. He sent people to pray for me. He sent people to help me financially. He sent people to help rebuild my life from nothing. He sent people to share their own very personal and painful experiences with divorce. He reconnected me with long lost friends. He brought family members closer to me.

He is great and worthy of praise.

I feel God has me in the express lane getting me through this.

While in church the Sunday before Thanksgiving while listening to a sermon on, of course, being thankful I had a heart to heart with God. “Father, I’m sorry but I don’t feel very thankful right now. I am dreading Thanksgiving and Christmas.” Very quickly He replied loud and clear, “Would you rather have a little over a month to dread these or would you rather this happened at the first of the year so you would have many months to dread it?” Great point LORD. I’m on board. Thank you.

His single and very strong message to me through this has been, “I have a plan for you. A great plan. Wait. It is beyond your wildest imagination. You will see.”

So, I wait. I watch. I listen.

I have flat worn the book of Psalms out in this mess. How some of the passages speak to me. Here are some of my favorites…

In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search and be silent. Offer right sacrifices to the LORD. PS 4:4

I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone O LORD make me dwell in safety. PS 4:8

Blessed are they whose ways are blameless, who walk accordingly to the law of the LORD. PS 119:1

It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees. PS 119:71

How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth. PS 119:103

May my cry come before you, O LORD; give me understanding according to your word. PS 119:169

Here is the huge one, “He reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me from the deep waters. PS 18:16

This, He has done.

The greatest revelation I have had in my healing is I didn’t lose everything. She did. Based upon how I was treated it makes me seriously wonder if I was ever loved in seventeen years of marriage. Which is painful, but in a way comforting. I won’t have any guilt when the LORD, if it is His will and in His time, brings to me the one He took from my rib.

Cecil version 2.0 is walking and talking. In His name.

This is the final post in the Falling Out Of Life series.

I’m done with falling.

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Since the last time I wrote I have moved into a one bedroom apartment and have my chocolate lab Dolly with me.

God has sent so many people to comfort me and help me through this. I am receiving financial help for my rent by a family member because there are still lots of expenses to cover on the house until it sells. People have given me groceries and clothing. A very dear Facebook friend sent me  many things to furnish my apartment with.

I look around and God is pointing out to me that I will get through this. He has shown me a Facebook friend who went through a bad divorce then lost a twenty-year old son in a car accident. The stress and concern on my best friend’s face who’s young son had to undergo an emergency appendectomy. The man who yesterday had a tumor on his spine and to save his life part of his spine was removed. Now he is a paraplegic.

I know I will get through this and God has something great and wonderful waiting for me.

Thank you dear friends for your prayers, phone calls, emails, texts, Twitter and Facebook messages. They mean more than you will ever know.

Happy Thanksgiving.

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How do you start over when you have been deleted from someone’s life that you have been married to for seventeen years?

She wants no delays in the divorce. Full steam ahead.

I will be divorced maybe before Thanksgiving and for sure before Christmas.

Now she only communicates with me through cold business like emails with no feeling because I make her feel uncomfortable on the phone or face to face. In the emails she addresses me as “Cecil” not as “Cec” since she had from day one of our relationship. She has a new cell phone number. Everyone else has it. I don’t.

I am past the torment. I am past the grief. I am past the denial.

I am just the past now.

I have been deleted.

Each day by God’s grace alone I am stronger. My appetite is coming back. I am sleeping well and I have peace. Peace. Real peace that only comes from God.

I’ve started to wrap my head around the tempest I am in and God’s plan is revealing itself through my prayers and through other people. Last week I put an application in on an apartment and should know something in a day or so. If I get it, the squeeze financially will be really tight. Some family members have offered to help me financially.

Looking back on the past month and a half and seeing how fast, how far and how hard I have fallen I see God’s unseen hand everywhere. It is amazing.

So, I have to start my life over at forty-four years old.

In addition to the things I have in my possession I listed in Part 1 of this saga to start housekeeping with I have my fishing pole and tackle, coffee maker, three more shirts, two pairs of jeans, a few pairs of shoes, a small microwave, crock pot, frying pan, a pot, eating utensils, two light weight jackets, a bed that my boss gave me because I couldn’t bear to sleep in any bed she and I shared, a radio, iron, assorted socks and underwear and a tower fan. That’s it.

There are very few things I want from my old life.

I am going to rebuild from ground zero.

Everyone is telling me, “Cec, half the stuff in that house is yours. Go get it.” Easier said than done. Let me explain.

I was hurt beyond all description at the finality, absoluteness, speed and coldness of the ending of my marriage. I was unplugged and my lights went out. That fast. Why would I want half of the things from a relationship with an ending like that? I am moving on and don’t need the emotional baggage of daily reminders of relationship train wreck.

There are three major things I want from my old life: a 42″ plasma TV and stand, my grill and one of the chocolate labs Dolly Lou. That’s it.

I don’t want the rest of my clothes, personal effects, mementos, photos or keepsakes.

I’m flying light.

I’d rather accept help and receive things from people who I know truly love me and have my best interests at heart than to take things from a house because it is simply owed to me. Not gonna do it. I’ve got my big boy britches on.

My wife’s sister gave me a couple of blankets and a set of sheets. Her brother who lives in town has offered me dishes and pillows. The LORD is providing.

Despite the way I’ve been treated I harbor no bitterness, anger or hate towards her. I just don’t understand.  She is doing what she feels she needs to do and has moved on.

I am moving on also.

To the new life God has for me with my head held high and not looking back.

You either make dust, or you eat it.

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The other night I had a Spiritual “a ha” moment which changed my entire perspective.

In frustration and almost anger I cried out, “Father tell me what to pray!” Very fast He answered. “My will.” I realized for the past month I have been forcing what I want on God, never bothering once to let Him in on the outcome. My prayers were one hundred and eighty degrees from where they should be. I prayed, “Father I want your will to be done in this. Not mine.” Peace began to come upon and I knew I was on target. The first real peace I have had since this nightmare began. So over and over I prayed, “Father I want your will to be done in this. Not mine.” Once again, the teacher gets taught from the Master.

While chatting in Facebook with a very Spirit filled high school friend about my situation she advised me “you need to ask God what you should refocus on. You need to take your focus from her and ask God what he wants you to focus on.” Very logical. I never thought of that. She asked if she could have my phone number so she could give me a call later that night.

After our chat session I asked God what I should refocus on. Once again, very fast He said, “Me.” All throughout this ordeal He has been silent, but now that my perspective has changed He is quite the chatterbox. I get it now Father. It is your show. I am so sorry I was pushing my will upon you.

My friend called me and I asked her for wisdom. She said, “You need to drop it Cecil. If you don’t drop it God can’t pick it up. Drop it now. You have to stop controlling the situation. That includes worrying about it.” My jaw went slack. God’s wisdom is so very simple.

I need to start focusing on what God has and wants for me.

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Written October 20, 2009

I called my pastor JD yesterday and told him I desperately needed a wing man. I need a Godly man to help me through this. Who will stand with me. Pray with me. Let me cry. Let me grieve. I told him I understood if he couldn’t help because he has six kids. Trust me, the man is busy. But I insisted I need help. I need to get plugged into someone. He said he would be my wingman and invited me on a hike in the woods later today. I am really looking forward to spending time with a dear Brother. My ears and heart will be open to what the LORD says to me through him.

Since I have been penned up in this barn, the LORD has given me over a hundred revelations about what a marriage means to Him.

Help me LORD to find peace in this journey.

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Written October 17, 2009

Today is Saturday. Oh how I dread the weekends.

A crazy thing is happening in this painful season of my life. With all of the pruning, I feel new buds forming to bring forth the new Cec.

I am changing right before my eyes. I’ve started to change my wardrobe to reflect the new inner me. I went to Goodwill today and got four really nice shirts and a sweater for sixteen dollars. What a total score.  The style of the clothing I bought I was never interested in wearing before. And sweaters? I never wore sweaters. I also went to the mall and walked around and found a new pair of racy tennis shoes. Then I had my first public meal by myself in seventeen years. How strange it was. I bowed my head and asked the LORD’s blessing on my meal and thanked him for His goodness. As I ate my meal alone, I realized I wasn’t by myself. He was there with me.

My wife’s family has been wonderful to me. So supportive and prayerful. The problem I am having is limited basic compassionate human contact. I feel like I am in an isolation tank. I need to be around people that will spiritually mentor me, let me grieve and just listen. I have to stabilize spiritually and emotionally. I need to get out of this barn. I am so thankful to my employer for sheltering me, but I need people. If this goes forward and the house goes on the market there is no telling how long it will take to sell. We may even be upside down on the mortgage.  With my wife and I splitting the expenses of the house until it sells I do not have enough income to rent a place and live. I am searching for a part-time job to help me get over the financial hump.

Just got back from running to the ATM so I can tithe at church tomorrow and a trip through Taco Bell. While in the drive thru I felt overwhelmed. How my life has changed. What was next for me? Back at the barn, mid way through a taco I felt what felt like at total meltdown coming on. I want out of the barn. I feel abandoned. Most of the people I need seem to be bailing on me. I can’t blame them. They have lives to live. I don’t have an earthy wing man to help me through this.

Then I realized a spirit of fear does not come from the LORD.

His strong, confident presence came down on me like a curtain. He said, “I’ve got you. I am in control. Look around you. You have everything you need.” I have no fear now. I am completely in the LORD’s strength now. WOW. What a feeling. I can’t describe it. I am shaken at how He has come upon me. How amazing.

I am so much looking forward to being in the LORD’s house tomorrow. I will be all ears.

He has quieted His child. The storm is still raging.

I don’t know how or when this is going to end, but when it is over one thing I am certain of. I am going to walk into a blessing that will flat blow my mind.

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Written October 16, 2009

The stress, grief and thoughts of the unknown combined with a diet of cigarettes, coffee, antacids and dining from fast food value menus is taking a toll on my body. I am tired and have no energy. I hurt all over. I feel like crap.

LORD, I need to see you. I know you are there, but I really need to see you. Please.

I cannot accept the fact I may be a forty four year old divorced man by Thanksgiving or Christmas.

Doing what I know to do: Seeking God. Looking for God. Listening to what God is telling me through other Godly people whose counsel I trust. Reading my bible. Praying. Praying. Praying. Listening.

Silence from above.

I don’t know what else to do. I’m being still. Waiting. Just like the Book says. I’m penned up. I have nowhere to go.

Passing of time is very difficult for me.

One of the things I grabbed when I exited my life was the August issue of Stand Firm magazine published by LifeWay. On the cover is a picture of the hands of a man and wife clasped together. Wedding rings shining. The title of the issue is “One+One+One=1.” The little book has given me so much revelation I cannot put it into words. I’ve read it through twice.

One of the things I do to pass the time is kill flies. Lots of flies. Hey, I’m living in a barn, okay? Usually when I get to the apartment in the evenings, the door has been left open all day due to the fact it houses the only bathroom in the barn and the farm hands, well, they need the facilities.  To combat the flies the first thing I picked up to swat them with was the little LifeWay book. Every time I kill a fly I see the cover “One+One+One=1″. I must have killed over a hundred flies with it so far. I see the LORD teaching me a lesson. I get it LORD. I get it.

I am getting so many comments from friends via Twitter, Facebook, email and text like, “You are doing great Cec”, “What a great witness for Christ you are Cec”, and “What a great man of God you are Cec.” I am none of these things. I am not great. He who is in me is great. By the grace and mercy of God he stands me up every morning and leads me through each day.

I had a good dinner this evening. I actually cooked a rib eye steak on the stove and with it had leftover salad and a baked potato from Wendy’s.  I sat down in the camping chair I brought with me from my old life and with the meal in my lap I thanked the Father for my daily provision. I thanked Him for sustaining me. I thanked him for meeting my needs and giving me just enough. I asked Him to show me the way through this. I inhaled the steak which is the first real food I have had in over a month. It was so good. But during the meal I got sad. I was the chef in my old life. A darn good one too. I love to cook for others. There will be no more Cec’s baby back ribs. No more low country seafood boils at Christmas. No more melt in your mouth grilled rib eyes. No more spaghetti and meatballs. It all seems like a disappearing mist now.

Father lead me to the path of peace. Point the way and I will follow.

The Potter’s wheel is still spinning.

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Written October 15, 2009

I have had a good couple of days riding a huge wave of anger like a pro surfer. Very therapeutic. If I could just stay angry all of the time this would be so much easier.

My wife was served her portion of the divorce petition at my attorney’s office yesterday. She has twenty days to respond. If she is set on divorce it will be on my timeline not hers. I can’t let this linger through the holidays and the first of the year just so we make out better with Uncle Sam.  I don’t care.

My friends tell me they are seeing me go through the classic stages of grief like a textbook. I don’t know where I am at in the stages or how many more I must go through. The LORD has been faithful in my distress. He gives me shelter, comfort, food and Godly friends to minister to me. Out of my shattered life, the LORD is going to rebuild me like the Bionic Man. A better man to serve Him. A man to respond faster to need. A stronger man with his feet anchored in the Rock.

Every day He gives me the exact portion of Him I need to sustain me. Just like manna. Every day He ministers to me. He gives me just enough to make it through the day without falling apart. How He manages me I don’t have a clue. I am in entirely His hands.

Since this began, I feel God has had me by the ankles upside down shaking everything out of me so I can be refilled with what He wants. I truly understand “you are the potter, I am the clay.” At present I am a lump with no form, but I feel His hands on me creating me anew while my world, the Potter’s wheel spins and spins.

My emotions seem to be stabilizing. There were times when I was so stricken with grief and unbelief I could not function. I found myself one day wandering through a local farm store saying to myself, “I used to have a life. Where did it go?” Then I went to a store my wife shops at frequently. I went there just to walk in the aisles where she walked. See the things she saw. Maybe touch the things she has touched. It was such a horrible, grievous day I never want to relive. That night, I was such a bad state; while lying on the floor with grief, crying until my face was raw I thanked the Father for this trial because it was making me a better man for her. Very quick the LORD corrected me. He said, “You are not understanding what I am teaching you. I am not making you a better man for her; I am making you a better man for me.” At that moment I stopped crying and the fog in my mind left and I saw sunshine. I realized the LORD was making me a better man for the plan He has for me. For His good purpose. He is so wise and I am so stupid. That’s why He is God and I am His child. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Today I am stronger, though not knowing what the cliffhanger ending to this is going to be. Either way, I will have a new beginning. For this I am thankful to the LORD.

While on Facebook earlier I was chatting with a high school friend in West Virginia who I reconnected with a couple of months ago. I was telling Him about my plight and the LORD gave him the exact words I needed to see to get me through the rest of the day. He was so encouraging. He had been through a really bad divorce too. Then at one point in the chat session I saw these words from him, “one thing I would appreciate of you…when I die I want you to preach my funeral Cec.” I was shocked beyond belief. The LORD shows up when you least expect Him. I told him I was honored and I would. I let him know I wasn’t a Pastor. Just a lay person. He didn’t seem to care. We ended our chat session with my telling him since I was preaching his funeral one day, when this storm around me blows out I will make a trip to West Virginia so we could get caught up on life. So, at some point in the future, I have a funeral to preach. I’m in the middle of the deepest crisis of my life and He books a funeral for me. God is a wild man.

Dear friends, I am so sorry these words seem to ramble. I am writing as it comes to me. Please forgive me. I’m not losing my mind. I’m finding it. The old Cec is dead. The new one, God is rising up.

The Potter’s wheel spins and spins.

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